Building A Child’s Self-Esteem
Good mental health and positive self-esteem go together.
How does one develop self-esteem? Is one born with it or is it learned?
Self-esteem is developed as a child grows. If a child does not develop self-esteem, the development later in life can be much more difficult to achieve and may result in a lack of self-confidence and perhaps even depression in tough times.
Parents, families and friends find no problem giving positive feedback to a small child as he/she reaches his/her milestones. When the little one learns to walk and talk, there are smiles, pictures taken and plenty of verbal praise. The child learns to be just as pleased with his/her accomplishments because he/she is taught to do so. Walking and talking are not easy accomplishments. They take lots of practice and lots of failure before success is achieved.
Once success is achieved, practice enhances the skill. Before long, the skill is mastered, and positive feedback ceases as it is no longer necessary.
This pattern usually continues with positive results as long as everyone is cognizant that there is no punishment for failure or for lack of motivation to continue trying. The response is usually to tell the child not to be upset; the child simply hasn’t got it yet; it is all right to take a break and try again later.
Negative feedback may make one feel that he/she is a failure, of less value than those who have mastered the skill and fearful of trying again for fear of failing.
If mastering a skill becomes an elusive reality, goals may need to be adjusted. There is a pitfall if one internals false self-esteem. It should be based on earned successes. It can’t be for trivial accomplishments, or for physical attributes with which one is born. Others may not reinforce these habits and may leave the child very confused.
As a child gets older and enters teenage years, the positive self-esteem that was obvious when he/she was young may start to wain. Perhaps parents and child need to remind themselves how to continue building that self-esteem. The child must be taught that not coming in first place is not losing. Everyone has desirable skills and attributes. After completing a task to the best of his/her ability, a child must be led to see what he/she has accomplished (made some new friends, clocked his/her best time, enjoyed the race, etc.) and pat him/herself on the back. Once he/she can recognize his/her own accomplishments, self-esteem will develop and grow.
Once self-esteem is established, a child may be ready to recognize success in the accomplishment of others. Positive peer support is essential for the continued growth of positive self-esteem.
Unfortunately, negative peers may interfere with one’s self-worth. This can be a challenge for both child and parents. Family conversations are imperative to analysis situations and stay on-track.
Those who did not develop healthy self-esteem by the time he/she reaches adulthood for one reason or another, may struggle.
It is never too late to adjust one’s goals, and work on self-esteem. Seeing a counsellor might be a good way to start a re-set.
Gwen Ulan