Why We Lose Control in Conflict: The Tug-of-War Between Emotion and Logic
Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument, saying things you regret, or acting impulsively? Maybe you stormed out, shouted, or even threw something. Later, you might have wondered, Why did I lose it? The answer lies in your brain—specifically, the competition between the emotional amygdala and the logical frontal lobe.
Your brain is like a team with two star players:
The Amygdala: This is your emotional fire alarm. When it senses danger, it activates the fight-or-flight response. This was great for survival back in the day (think running from lions), but in modern conflicts, it often makes us overreact.
The Frontal Lobe: This is your voice of reason. It helps you think things through, evaluate consequences, and stay calm. However, it’s slower to act than the amygdala—and in high-stress situations, it can get overpowered.
When a conflict arises, your amygdala might yell, “Attack!” while your frontal lobe says, “Let’s talk it out.” Unfortunately, if the amygdala is too loud, it can hijack the situation, leaving your logical brain sidelined. This is why we sometimes lash out or act impulsively.
When you find that your amygdala has hijacked the situation you may notice some very distinct symptoms such as; elevated heart rate, tunnel vision, impulsiveness, and a heightened adrenaline with an inability to calm down. While these reactions are natural they are not always helpful. So, how can you pull your frontal lobe back into the game?
Tips to De-escalate and Regain Control
When emotions are running high, try these strategies to shift from emotional reactivity back to logical thinking:
Take a Break
When you feel yourself boiling over, step away. Physically removing yourself from the situation gives your brain time to cool down. Tell the other person, “I need a moment to collect my thoughts” and take 10-15 minutes.
Breathe Deeply
Deep breathing signals your brain that the threat has passed. Try this:
Inhale for 4 seconds.
Hold for 4 seconds.
Exhale for 6 seconds.
Repeat until your heart rate slows and you feel more grounded.
Write It Down
Grab a notebook and jot down your thoughts. Writing helps move the problem-solving process to the frontal lobe. Plus, seeing your concerns on paper often makes them feel less overwhelming.
Label Your Feelings
Simply naming what you’re experiencing can reduce its intensity. For example, say to yourself, “I feel frustrated because I don’t feel heard.” This activates the logical parts of your brain and takes power away from the amygdala.
Focus on the Present
An overactive amygdala often brings up past hurts or fears about the future. Anchor yourself to the present moment by noticing:
5 things you can see
4 things you can touch
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
Practice Gratitude or Empathy
It’s hard to stay angry when you’re feeling grateful or empathetic. Take a moment to think about something you appreciate about the person you’re arguing with, or try to imagine their perspective.
Activities That Keep the Frontal Lobe Strong
To prevent emotional hijacks in the first place, strengthen your brain’s ability to handle stress. These activities are scientifically proven to promote mental health:
Spend Time Outdoors: Nature reduces stress and helps reset your mind.
Exercise Regularly: Physical activity lowers cortisol levels and boosts mood.
Meditate: Even a few minutes a day improves emotional regulation.
Connect with Loved Ones: Social support helps you stay grounded.
Journal: Reflecting on your day strengthens the logical brain.
Conflict is part of life, but understanding how your brain reacts can help you handle it more effectively. The next time you feel emotions bubbling over, remember: your amygdala and frontal lobe are in a tug-of-war. By practicing these de-escalation techniques, you can give your logical brain the upper hand and navigate tough situations with grace and control.
And if you slip up—don’t worry. You’re human. The key is learning, growing, and trying again.